I’m Alone

I broke up with my fiancé a week ago.

When I was a little girl, I never dreamed my life would be turning out the way it has. I’m 26. I’ve prayed for so many years for God to guide me, to show me His will for my life. I know He has heard me. I’m a good Catholic—I’m not supposed to be one of “those people” who start doubting when things don’t go their way. But I do doubt.
They tell me I’m still young, that I have my whole life in front of me, that God IS answering my prayers, that I just can’t see it yet. They don’t know how infuriated those words make me.

When I was in high school, I thought, “I’m lonely now, but I’ll find the right man when I’m in college.” In college I thought, “I guess he’ll come along after I graduate.” By 24 I was thinking, “Maybe there’s something wrong with me.”

I truly believe my vocation is to be a wife and a mother, but I can’t start living it on my own. But I’m also not the type to just sit around and wait for God to plop a husband in my lap, so in the meantime I earned my Master’s degree, I have my own business, I volunteer, I have tons of hobbies that bring me joy. But I’m alone.

There is no “soul mate” out there for each of us, no matter what my ex-fiancé used to tell me. There are probably a dozen men with whom I could live a holy and happy life. But none of us is guaranteed anything, and none of us is promised a spouse. Maybe my husband got distracted along the way. Maybe he found another woman, a holier woman, to marry. Maybe he was aborted.

Just a few short weeks ago, I was imagining our wedding. I was thinking up names for our first babies. I was picturing our first cozy little apartment together. But it wasn’t right, and I had to end it. Maybe I was wrong? I don’t know. I feel more at peace now than I did when I was with him, so I guess that’s a good sign. But I can’t stand the thought that I hurt him by walking away, and I can’t help wondering why. Why has my life turned out this way? Did I do something wrong? Did I take a wrong turn? Why is it so hard for me to pray now, and truly lay everything down before Him? I thought that if I trusted Him for all those years, He’d take care of me. I just don’t feel very taken-care-of.