So. Pornography. I have been watching this website for a while and I hoped that someone else would write about this. Hasn’t happened. I wish I didn’t have a story to tell, but maybe if I tell my story it will help someone else avoid or end a pornography story in her life. I hope that when you read this you are shocked and outraged at how naïve or stupid I was, because that would mean that you are much better equipped to defend yourself against pornography than I was. Here goes.
When my husband and I were dating, I knew that he possessed a couple of old Playboy magazines. I never saw them. I never found him viewing them. They were old. I think the story was that he had found them under his older brother’s bed one day and kept them. I really didn’t give it much thought. I wasn’t very familiar with men. I didn’t have brothers. I didn’t have close male friends. I’m not sure, maybe I thought it was just a “male” thing that I hadn’t been exposed to. What I had read in novels led me to believe that a Playboy magazine under the bed was possibly a rite of passage. This was before the internet, before internet porn.
Shortly after getting married we moved into a new house in a neighborhood that was new to us. One weekend we went to the local video store to rent a movie. When we went inside, my husband disappeared into a back room labeled “Adult.” I didn’t even realize what was in there. He came out after a few minutes and wanted me to join him. I went in with him and it took me about 2 seconds to realize that I was not interested in the videos on those shelves. I was repulsed. I left.
My husband rented an adult movie and brought it home to watch. I refused to watch it with him. He told me that I was a party pooper. It was a tense weekend. He continued to go back and rent adult movies a few times a month. He would pressure me to watch them with him. It was a big source of tension between us. I would tell him that they were wrong and I wasn’t interested. He would tell me that I was frigid and a prude and there was nothing wrong because we were married. I didn’t know how to articulate it but in the depth of my being I knew these movies were wrong. Just thinking about my husband watching them would cause a cloud of darkness and shame to wash over me. I was Catholic, but I didn’t know my faith, didn’t even know what a catechism was, let alone that I could consult it. I couldn’t ask my sisters; I was too ashamed. I couldn’t consult the internet; it didn’t exist. I was isolated and discouraged. His persistence started to wear me down and I started to believe him. Maybe there was something wrong with me. Why didn’t I want to watch these movies with him? Why did I feel like he had been with another woman when he was only watching a movie? He wanted me to join him. I was his wife. Was I supposed to join him?
Marriage was not what I had thought it was going to be. My husband’s new hobby cast a shadow over every aspect of our marriage. I was miserable. I gave in and began watching the movies with him.
He was happy, or at least superficially he was. Most days, I felt dead inside for the length of each movie. It was as though I turned myself off and retreated into myself to avoid what I was subjecting myself to. There were other days though, days when I found myself curious and enjoyed a moment of the movie. Those moments of enjoyment were followed by confusion, shame, remorse, and a deep darkness. What was happening to me? What was I becoming? The darkness wasn’t over when the movie ended either; it lingered. It became something that I endured once or twice a month in order to keep peace in my marriage. What irony! I watched pornography to try to improve my marriage.
And then we moved to another state. Two beautiful, joyous, wonderful things came along with that move. First, there was no adult movie store in our new neighborhood, so the movie viewing stopped! (Praise be to God, still no internet!) Second, after a few years we started attending church. By the time we started going to church the internet was a reality and so was internet porn. Thankfully my husband did not return to his porn usage. One Sunday our pastor preached about the evils of pornography. I was so happy and relieved. I finally had someone on my side! I also finally had some understanding of the Church’s teachings about it.
CCC 2354 Pornography…offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actor, vendors, the public),…it is a grave offense.
Basically, sex is something filled with beauty and dignity and watching others do it degrades it.
There were so many other joys that came with learning about and practicing my Catholic faith. So many wonderful resources, and the sacraments as well. The sacraments of the Church are transformative. Confession gave me absolution and helped me to forgive myself, to let go of the shame. It took time and counseling before I forgave my husband. In the words of my counselor “your husband was young and stupid. He knows better now, and his actions show it. Forgive him; let go.” Marriage is a journey to Christ, and our detour into pornography was both damaging and dangerous. But the beauty of Catholicism is that all things can be redeemed through the sacraments and Christ!
Women today have it harder because internet porn is ubiquitous and so easily accessed. One good thing that has come out of this scourge of porn is that it has raised society’s awareness of how destructive and addicting it is. Pornography exploits, objectifies and uses women. It devastates marriages and families. According to one study “Pornography users increasingly see the institution of marriage as sexually confining and have diminished belief in the importance of marital faithfulness.”1 Another study finds 56% of divorce cases involving “one party having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.”2
If pornography has become a part of your story, you do not have to look far to find help. Go to your diocesan website to look for resources. Most dioceses have resources on their websites under the Office of Marriage and Family. You could also search on pornography, but be sure that you are in the diocese’s search bar and not Google!
Here is the link for the Archdiocese of Denver. It contains links to many helpful resources.
Editors note: This author and her husband are blessed. I don’t mean to diminish her suffering in any way but they are truly blessed that her husband did not become addicted as is so often the case with internet pornography. Praise be to God!
If you or your spouse have an attachment to internet pornography, don’t be discouraged if your journey to recovery involves more of a struggle or effort than has been detailed in this story. In addition to the sacraments, recovery from pornography addiction often requires counseling and/or a twelve step group. There are many Catholic and Christian counselors who are experienced in dealing with this devastating addiction.
1 Patrick F. Fagan, PhD, The Effects of Pornography on Individuals, Marriages, & Community (December 2009).
2 Jill Manning, Senate Testimony, November 10, 2005, referencing: J. Dedmon, “Is the Internet bad for your marriage? Online affairs, pornographic sites playing greater role in divorces,” 2002, press release from American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 14.